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For the month of August, we are featuring a story of Ava and Mike who have been having issues with intimacy after several years of being together: 

First of all, I would like to thank Caroline for this opportunity to write a letter. Hopefully, my story gets chosen. Your articles have been very helpful to my relationship, but I think I need more personalized help from you, that is why I am trying my luck.

My name is Ava from Brooklyn, 29 years of age, and in a relationship with Mike. We have been together for six years. During our first two years as a couple, I felt that everything was perfect. I know he felt the same way because he was very vocal about it. We are like the power couples among our circle of friends that they even call us their relationship goals. We were young and had enough time for each other. But things slowly became difficult as we both take our careers seriously.

In our third year as a couple, we find ourselves spending less and less time with each other. We barely see each other because of our conflicting work hours. We tried to find time during the weekends, but when we meet, it felt different. It felt like a chore. Intimacy was slowly becoming out of the picture.

We are now in our sixth year together. We exerted a lot of effort to find time for each other, which we were successful. Our work schedules are the same, and we would meet during the weekends. We thought that it would bring our intimacy back to how it was when we first met, but I do not understand why it remained bland. We were not as touchy, and it feels like there is always an elephant in the room.

I do not have the answers, but I hope you do. I would really love to save our relationship. Thank you and more power!


Caroline’s Advice: 

Intimacy issues, in general, can be a difficult experience all around. In order to know the causes of it, it’s important to define it first.

Intimacy is basically defined as closeness, familiarity, or an intimate act. Many people think of intimacy on a more physical level, but there is also emotional and spiritual intimacy as well. The quality of how comfortable you are with someone shows the level of intimacy with that person.

In any type of an intimate setting, there must be a sense of mutual trust between two people, or else allowing yourself to open up and become vulnerable will not happen.

Be Honest With Yourself

The first step in overcoming intimacy is to be honest with yourself that you are struggling with this. Often times this is a topic that many people choose to ignore, thinking it will just subside on its own. The truth is, overcoming intimacy issues takes an active effort to do so, or else the problem will continue to fester.

Take Action

Once you are honest with yourself that intimacy is an issue, it is time to take action. Do something about it. There are many self-help books, educational videos, seminars, counseling, and coaching services you can do to help overcome the intimacy barrier.

Be Patient With Yourself

Remember that increasing intimacy is a process, and does not change overnight. But making efforts to change the level of intimacy in your relationships is a great start in meeting your intimacy goal.

Be Honest With Your Significant Other

Being open and honest with your significant other about your struggles is important as well. This helps keep the sense of partnership and connection strong as you continue down your journey of being comfortable with intimacy.

Creating intimacy and being comfortable with it is a process. Often times it can be quite painful for certain people to do this, but the gains you will get individually will outweigh the struggle to get there. Trust yourself that you are strong, and take actions now to get yourself in a happier, healthier place for you.

I hope that these have answered some of your questions and would help your relationship overcome some intimacy issues. I would love to hear from you again! Keep in touch!